3-Count: Operation No Shame

Steve Austin said on his podcast last week with Sam Roberts that he might be in need of a producer. I subsequently emailed him my resume and a link to this award winning website. To my dismay, and perhaps his spam filter, I haven’t received a reply. Shocking that a guy who is known by millions wouldn’t reach out to some random lunatic sending him a resume. So I’m gonna do what any other schmuck looking for a job would do, brown nose! This edition of 3-Count is dedicated to Steve Austin.

Who in the blue hell is Frogman La Blanc? He’s the dude Steve’s got the task of wrestling on this night. La Blanc doesn’t get in a lick of offense, has terrible hair and tights, the gnarliest elbow pad I’ve seen this side of Dusty Rhodes and barley even gets on camera with the action happening outside the ring. Poor bastard never had a shot, but you gotta give it to a guy who takes a 5-minute squash.

I wanted to find a good old commercial of Steve, but the man didn’t do shit! In his time as a wrestler, all I could find were like three commercials, two of them promoted his merchandise, one of which didn’t feature Steve at all. There was also a toy commercial, but wouldn’t you know it, he just tweeted that shit out like two days ago. I’ll look like a fool using that! What sort of research am I doing if I don’t see that?! Here’s what I was left with. I’m left unsatisfied in my search.

Steve’s from Texas. He played football and wrestled. I assume the dude eats steak. Plus, I’m really hungry. Haven’t had shit outside of yogurt, oatmeal and some hot dogs today. Reporting on the happenings around South Florida can be exhausting and I’m gonna need some fuel if I’m gonna go float in the pool. Vote in the poll!

I don’t know what to say about the following promo because I can’t take my focus off the hair, which is just god awful. Steve’s sort of bowl cut and Pillman’s permed mullet are pure 90’s gold, much like the chains the two are wearing around their necks. I can’t tell, but assume these two are also wearing Zubaz. I just realized that Pillman would likely be wearing Bengals Zubaz. I gotta get a pair of those! (#WhoDey)

Check back Tuesday’s for another 3-Count. Got a suggestion? Send me a tweet @WillAlthoff!

3-Count: Son of a Plumber

And for no particular reason, Dusty Rhodes!

Before getting into the squared circle, Dusty was a football player at West Texas State. He’s just one of a dozen guys who played there and went on to have a professional wrestling career. Many of them are legends in the business. But I digress …

There aren’t many who could make you believe what he was selling like the Rhodes. The Dweam did it all. He could handle himself and lay down a quality beat down in the ring, he sold the shit out of a broken arm thanks to the Four Horseman and he could talk circles around everyone, even if you couldn’t make sense of what he was saying. All of this made even more amazing because the man is the physique of an egg and was never what I would call “in shape.” This edition of 3-Count is dedicated to the man with the gnarliest forehead I’ve ever seen.

Below is a picture of my wife with with Duh-tay. I can admit that I’m super jealous she met him. I’ve had the opportunity to meet a few wrestlers including Mick Foley, Batista and Sgt. Slaughter (#namedropper), but have been watching Dusty in some form since Mid-Atlantic. One of the first professional wrestlers I can remember watching on TV.


Nice promo here from Dusty, with a little Tully and Babydoll thrown in. The feud between these two was so good. Tony Schivone’s mustache was glorious in this period, but I’m also trying to figure out what Dusty’s wearing. Are those glasses from the Golden Girls collection?

Does anyone drink Mello Yello? I’ve never considered it in my life. Not once. I don’t even know what it’s supposed to taste like. Is it piss? Because it’s yellow and I assume it tastes like piss. That being said, I want these cans! I’m dying to know what absurd kind of shit they pass off as facts.

Road Warrior Animal gets his hair done at Supercuts! Lex Luger once bench pressed a leatherback turtle!

Dusty tries to sell this crap, but you can tell that can is totally empty. It looks like it should be full of potato sticks, which I believe Dusty would also try to pour into his mouth. Seriously, someone tell me what in the hell Mello Yello tastes like.

Great match from back when the WWE was called the WWWF. Superstar Billy Graham defending his title against Dusty in a Texas Death Match. Adding to the flair, Vince McMahon on commentary. Quick, which son of the owner was a better announcer: McMahon or David Crockett?

Superstar played a great chickenshit heel in this match. I think if you gave these two a couple of mics and threw them in a ring together, nobody would ever get a word in. The promo would probably last 2 hours and you would get nowhere, but by God you would be watching next week to see these two beat the shit out of each other. I love Dusty’s bleach blonde afro helmet as well.

On to the poll

Dusty made a name for himself across the globe. Three particular runs stand out to most people. Which was your favorite?

Check back Tuesday’s for another 3-Count. Got a suggestion? Send me a tweet @WillAlthoff!

3-Count: Mega Powers/Mega Bucks

February 10, 2015 Leave a comment

There are a few matches/feuds I feel the need to revisit every now and then because I’m a mark. The Super J Cup tournament, the Horsemen vs Dusty, Rude vs. Jake Roberts, Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez … OK maybe not the last one. But there are matches and angles that captivated me when they happened and still have the ability to do that now. Two of those involve Hulk Hogan. Everyone’s got a favorite Hulkster match, right?

I grew up watching the red and yellow, but it was the black and white Hogan that I really dug. When Hulkster came out as the third man during Bash at the Beach, I went full on mark. I do every time I watch the match, even though the Brain almost blew it. Tony Schiavone’s reaction makes it even more ridiculous. Sure, the nWo storyline went off the rails and turned into a complete shitshow (Vincent and Scott Norton?!) but for a short time, Hogan was stupid over. When they brought the gimmick to WWE, it was cool for like 5 minutes, but the match he had with the Rock at Wrestlemania X8 should have been his last. Seriously, tell me you don’t wanna rip off your shirt when Hogan starts hulking up.

I gotta give a shout out to the person that wrote in Classy Freddie Blassie or the Grand Wizard as their favorite manager. Stupid polldaddy doesn’t have a way to show the “other” entries. Why in the hell would you have an “other” option if you don’t post the results? Get it together, polldaddy!

Great to see Randy Savage getting into the WWE Hall of Fame this year. When Wrestlemania 28 came here to Miami, my buddy came out to the tailgate dressed as the Macho Man.

Savage had a huge run and his gimmick was completely absurd. His delivery and look was completely off the wall but we all bought it. If someone tried to pull that off now, you’d get sent to rehab for being a massive cokehead.

Watch as the Madness goes off his rocker inside a lighting store. If this happened in real life, he’d be in jail and would be getting sued for thousands of dollars.

I was just watching an episode of NWA Pro Wrestling from 1986 and they were promoting a house show. Keep in mind, this is the card for a house show on a Sunday night in Raleigh:

– Ron Garvin vs. Black Bart
– Tully Blanchard vs. Chief Wahoo McDaniel for the National title
– Magnum TA vs. Nikita Koloff in a Texas Death Match
– Midnight Express w/ Jim Cornette & Big Bubba Rogers vs. Road Warriors w/ Paul Ellering for the tag titles
– Rock & Roll Express w/ Dusty Rhodes vs. Ric Flair, Ole & Arn Anderson in a Lights Out 6-man Bunkhouse match

HOUSE SHOW! This is a PPV card if I ever saw one. Anyway, just putting that out there.

We covered the Mega Powers, and seeing as the only thing left is the promo, you should be able to guess where this is going. What was it that Vince McMahon said about the Million Dollar Man? It was the gimmick he said he would have given himself. Sounds about right.

Ted DiBiase played the character so well. You hear that music hit and just want to boo the SHIT out of him! He was so arrogant, he could have been wearing Rick Martel’s cologne. Crazy that DiBiase never had a run with the belt seeig as how much heat he was getting. And of course, you can’t forget Virgil … I feel like I mentioned him somewhere else.

How is Brother Love not having a heart attack at the end of this? My chest is seizing up just watching this lunatic.

Check back Tuesday’s for another 3-Count. Got a suggestion? Send me a tweet @WillAlthoff!

3-Count: Talking the Talk

February 3, 2015 Leave a comment

I’m totally a mark.

I watch wrestling as much as I can (literally right now), I listen to podcasts, I get lost in Wikipedia black holes that start at Baby Doll and end at the IWGP Heavyweight title. I write this blog, have written for wrestling websites and have even applied for and heard back about jobs with WWE. My DVR is filled with all the episodes I can record and then I watch them and pretend to iron so my wife doesn’t think I’m slacking off on my chores.

I love managers. Probably because I could never have been a wrestler.

Read the following as Howard Finkle in your head: “Now entering the ring … at 5 foot 7 and 145 pounds, he hails from Ft Lauderdale, Florida … Mark Jobberson!” BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I can relate to managers. I talk for a living and can act like a prick. There’s nothing wrong with that, because being a dick let’s people know that you won’t be pushed around. That’s until the blowoff match in the big building with the big gate. That’s when jerks like me get our comeuppance.

Perfect example … Bobby Heenan. The Brain was the dude when I was growing up. The man talked trash about everyone and sounded like a complete dick doing it. Of course, guys like Andre and Rick Rude would be there if anyone wanted to question Heenan’s beliefs. He was also willing to step into the ring when he had to and he could sell the shit out of an ass kicking. Welcome to the blowoff between Heenan and Greg Gagne.

I’m bumping the poll to the earlier part of the card. I thought it might work well in the slot of death, but that hasn’t been best for business.

Joel Gertner was super under rated. There’s some of you reading this saying, “Who’s Joel Gertner?” Well let me tell you, the Quintessential Stud Muffin was once a ring announcer who became the manager of the Dudley Boys and he could attract some great heat. As a high school mark growing up in Philly during the mid ’90s, I made sure to keep up with ECW on channel 48. For those of you that don’t know, Gertner cut a sick promo. His prose soon became a must watch feature at many ECW events. He speaks with a confidence that is much like Heenan or Paul Heyman. Enjoy as Gertner tells is like it is.

I was an NWA guy in the 80s. Some of my earliest wrestling memories are of Rick Rude, Dusty’s arm being broken and the Midnight Express doing those interviews at the Atlanta studio. And when you talk about the Midnight’s, you have to mention Jim Cornette. He talks circles around everyone, carries that goofy ass tennis racket and does anything necessary to get heat. Lest we forget that he fell off a scaffold and broke his leg because that’s just what happens sometimes.

Watch as Corny sells the crap out of the NWA hotline. Hell I’m ready to call it now, but I assume at this point, there’s a goat eczema hotline on the other end.

Check back Tuesday’s for another 3-Count. Got a suggestion? Send me a tweet @WillAlthoff!

3-Count: Turning Japanese

January 20, 2015 Leave a comment

So it’s come to my attention that I may have cursed a little too early into my last blog post. Who knew that people were so sensative and that dropping a “c-bag” would garner such an uproar?! I’ll try to keep this one a little cleaner, but I can’t make any promises.

Stan Hansen is a mean son of a bitch. Seriously, the dude knocked Vader’s eye out with a cow bell for Christ’s sake! He never really got over in the states and I wonder if people didn’t like him or he was just so big in Japan that he never had a chance to catch on here. I’ve always thought his gimmick was good and that he put on quality matches.

One of the more classy promos here from the former AWA champ and Japanese legend. If i were Luger, I’d ask him politely to wipe the chaw from his mouth, neck and hand before he started putting me in headlocks. Seriously bro, gross.

I love me some Japanese wrestling, but in all honesty, I haven’t seen a ton of it. I’ve viewed a bunch of the more well known events and wrestlers, but have a long way to go before becoming any sort of expert.

I did get some early exposure to one wrestler thanks to the NWA and that was the Great Muta, still my favorite Japanese wrestler. His silent assassin gimmick was just so badass and he backed it up in the ring. The mist, the moonsault, the handspring back elbow with such violence is just rad. Considering the rest of the action in the NWA during the late 80s/early 90s, Muta stuck out like a sore thumb. Nobody on television was doing what he was doing. Here he is taking on the Sting in a match for the promotion’s vacant Television Title. Added bonus: Jim Ross and Jim Cornette with the announcing duties. The original J & J.

Yeah, so before I get to the commercial, I gotta say that I still haven’t figured out what to have on Super Bowl Sunday. I appreciate all the responses, but I’ve got three things tied at 1 vote. This does me no good as there is no way this cheap bastard is paying for all that food. Sushi sounds good. Anyway, vote on this week’s poll or I might have to move it further down the card.

Seriously, wrestling commercials of the past are basically used car ads with more hair and tighter shirts. “Buy this shit because it is the best there’s ever been, until next month when it’s somehow better!” This one is different. No talking, just three minutes of wrasslin’ featuring some of the biggest names of the 80s. Giant Baba even makes an appearance! Speaking of which, how many of the wrestlers can you name in this commercial? There must be like 25 dudes who I know right away.

Hi, my name is Will and I’m a mark.

One of the great events, the 87 Crockett Cup. Spoiler alert, the commercial gives away who wins at the end. Why would you do that?! Oh yeah, “Buy this shit because it is the best there’s ever been, until next month when it’s somehow better!”

Check back Tuesday’s for another 3-Count. Got a suggestion? Send me a tweet @WillAlthoff!

3-Count: Living Legend, Minnesota Stretching Crew, WCCW

January 13, 2015 Leave a comment

Let’s be honest, there are two certainties about Larry Zbyszko. The man can work a mic and he is a complete asshole in the ring. He was always such a cockbag to everyone in the crowd, with his smug attitude. The man turned on his mentor, a legend of the business and went on to carry that hate for years. Seriously, did anyone actually like Larry Zbyszko?! I hope he got paid well because I can’t believe he was raking it in at the merchandise table. One of his t-shirts is comparable to the Royal Danish Fabergé egg (look it up). People claim they once existed, but nobody’s seen one since the the early 1900s. In this old AWA promo, the Living Legend is as sour as they come, but I’m still not sure what Geraldine Ferraro has to do with anything.

Another classic here from WCCW’s merch closet. You wouldn’t want to be the only person at the office not wearing a Kerry Von Erich emblazed t-shirt on casual Friday! When you compare this commercial to what WWE puts out now, it’s amazing how far wrestling has come. Would you be willing to give these guys a credit card number over the phone if you saw them on TV?! They’re definitely using it to purchase Wranglers and combs. And cases of t-shirts with their own faces on them, of course.

And finally, the current WWE World Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar and Shelton Benjamin show off their skills in one of their early WWE matches. These dudes they’re going up against have no chance. I do like the one guy’s Prince Albert look. Maybe they were gonna do a fake Albert storyline similar to fake Diesel and Razor Ramon?! Edgy! Anywho … enjoy the comeback and subsequent domination.

Check back Tuesday’s for another 3-Count. Got a suggestion? Send me a tweet @WillAlthoff!

My Wrestlemania Experience

March 31, 2012 1 comment

This year was the 28th annual Wrestlemania and shockingly just the first I’ve had a chance to attend! I’ve tried my best to sell my wife on the idea of following the WWE and selling grilled cheeses on the road, but for some reason she likes her steady paycheck. Go figure!

I never thought I’d have the chance to attend Wrestlemania but that changed last year when Miami was announced as the site for XXVIII. Lucky for me, I got into the wild world of radio where you don’t get paid much, but you get to meet Sgt. Slaughter and Jimmy Hart! They came onto the show you produce to promote Wrestlemania tickets going on sale that weekend! I knew I moved to Miami for some reason.


So given that I was as excited as a 9-year-old, I bought my tickets, spent way too much money and didn’t give one crap about it. If you’re a wrestling fan and you have the chance to go balls out for Wrestlemania weekend, you do it. The one thing I wish I did do was get tickets to Axxess. From all the pictures I saw and chatter on the internets, that was one cool event. I will make sure to hit it up the next ‘Mania makes it’s way to South Florida.

Ok, so fast forward to this past Thursday, the kickoff of Wrestlemania weekend. My wife, also a radio professional, bumps into Dusty Rhodes in her building! If you happened to hear the American Dream talking about being attacked by a woman before an interview on the Dan Lebatard show (around the 23:50 mark), that woman is my wife. So proud!

Two days later and we’re attending the Hall of Fame induction ceremony and one of my favorite wrestlers is down there crying with the rest of the Four Horseman. Where am I?!

I should mention that a long time ago, working for a radio station far, far away, that I ran into Arn Anderson during a house show we were sponsoring. As he walked by, I held up four fingers and AA nodded with approval. I was as much a Horseman as Jeff Jarrett when you think about it!

All of the speeches were great. I even learned two fun facts:

A. Ron Simmons owned a Trans-Am in college with his face airbrushed on it. After he crashed, he owned a second Trans-Am with his face airbrushed on it.

B. Mil Mascaras has two wives. One lives in Japan and the other lives in Mexico and works for the US Embassy. He sure doesn’t look like that polygamist on Big Love.

But when it comes down to it, Sunday was obviously the day. My wife and I had a tailgate planned, with about 15 people attending and even a special celebrity guest. Burgers, dogs, beers, and Wrestlemania?! This is going to be the best thing ever.

When we got to Sun Life Stadium an hour after the lots opened, the place was PACKED! I did not expect to see this many people off the bat. And there were people partying everywhere. Soon enough our celebrity guest showed … Macho Man back from the dead! Actually it was just my buddy Jason Garcia, but there were plenty of people asking him for pics. We saw Goldust on one of the buses after the show and he couldn’t stop laughing when Macho was yelling at the window. We ran into a second Macho, the Ultimate Warrior, Jeff Hardy, CM Punk. Sure it cost $40 to park, but the entertainment was well worth it.

When we got inside, the atmosphere was unreal. Watching it on TV and being there are two totally different experiences. I knew this was gonna be awesome but the heat from the crowd made it so much better. We weren’t flat for a second! Our seats were unreal and when the cameras went live, Sun Life went freaking bananas!

I don’t know what the deal was, but if you watch any of the stuff from Wrestlemania weekend, you know that Daniel Bryan is OVER! Going up the escalators in the AAA before the HoF induction, there was a huge Yes! chant going. In the parking lot and headed into the stadium on Sunday, huge Yes! chant. When the show started and he hit the stage, huge Yes! chant. I can’t stand the guy. Guess it’s working!

One of my favorite moments of the night had to be the Undertaker’s entrance. I’ve seen the man enter wrestling rings for 20 years, but to be there when the spectacle happened was awesome. Taker’s at the point where he’s only wrestling once a year and really, who knows if he’ll ever wrestle again. I was glad to be there to see one hell of a match in person.

Shockingly, the biggest pop of the night probably went to the Rock. When his music hit and he came out from behind the curtain, Sun Life Stadium exploded! Last year I attended the Dolphins first home game, a Monday night affair against the Patriots. The year before that I went to the Marlins home opener against the Dodgers. Granted, I haven’t been in that stadium during the Super Bowl or NCAA National Championship game, but that place was louder than I’ve ever heard it on Sunday night. Judge for yourself.

On Monday, I felt a little down because my Wrestlemania weekend was over. It’s one of those things you’re lucky to experience once in a lifetime if at all. But my outlook changed a little when I saw this … Miami-Dade Commissioner and Miami-Dade Sports Commission Chairman Jose “Pepe” Diaz was in love with the event. As seen in the Miami Herald:

The chance to do this again in a few years?! I’m totally in! And next time I’ll be hitting up Axxess.
Follow me on Twitter: @WillAlthoff

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